She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
