Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
