I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
