my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
