Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
