Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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