Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
