Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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