He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
