Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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