turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
