Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
