I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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