please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
