i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
