her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We're too hungover to prance.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
