Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
