Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
