mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
