i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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