How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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