i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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