I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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