I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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