Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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