I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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