I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
