I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
