I smell stomach acid.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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