If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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