Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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