I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
