I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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