If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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