i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
