so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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