so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
