so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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