I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
