just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
