I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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