I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
