I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
this just has baby written all over it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
