you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
