Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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