i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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