I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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