my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
