I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
