meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
