Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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